“Then one of the synagogue leaders, named Jairus, came, and when he saw Jesus, he fell at his feet. He pleaded earnestly with him, “My little daughter is dying. Please come and put your hands on her so that she will be healed and live.” … While Jesus was still speaking, some people came from the house of Jairus, the synagogue leader. “Your daughter is dead,” they said. “Why bother the teacher anymore?” Overhearing what they said, Jesus told him, “Don’t be afraid; just believe.”’ — Mark 5: 22-23, 35-36
“Jesus asked the boy’s father, “How long has he been like this?” “From childhood,” he answered. “It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.” “‘If you can’t?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.” Immediately, the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” — Mark 9: 21-14
“I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
I must admit that I have repeated that phrase many times over the years. Forty-five years ago, God wrapped His loving arms around me. It was overwhelming and frightening.
Over the next several months, I struggled with my faith and my emotions.
Why would God love me? I had trained as an Army Ranger; I lived that life! I was a trained killer, and during my off-duty time, I lived by: “Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they’re going to try to kill us.”
I had lived a life filled with evil – why would God love me!?
After several months of inner anguish, I spoke with our pastor. We began meeting weekly to study, search, and discuss. I was learning, but it made no sense to me.
In school, I had been good at math and science, but I did not understand this guy Jesus. Why would God put His “Son” through all of that!?
At one point, I just gave up. I couldn’t find my answers.
I finally said, “God, I know you are there somewhere, but I don’t understand. I am in your hands; help my unbelief!”
Then, a wonderful thing happened: I began to see God’s miracles all around me.
“Just believe.”
I am still studying, still searching. I know I am not where I need to be; but I know that Jesus loves me despite who I am.
Bob Beck is a faith-based columnist for The Chronicle.
